


It Was Never Goodbye

by Reiya_Wakayama



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Foster Care, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Conflicting Feelings, Cuddling and Snuggling, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Orphans, Pre-Slash, Reunions, Seperation, Slash, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-27 15:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/297179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reiya_Wakayama/pseuds/Reiya_Wakayama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes life throws a curveball at you and everything changes, but sometimes it does not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was Never Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this a while ago, but it is only now that I’m actually writing it. I wanted something with brotherly love with a separation and reunion that leads to just plain old love and well, got this. Just to make things clear, Arthur is six years older than Merlin. Also, Merlin’s parents died in a car accident.

It is the sound of the door opening with a soft groan that has him waking up. Moaning a little, Arthur turns over to look at his clock _12:37 am._ Turning the other way, he looks over to see Merlin standing in the doorway, one hand clutched around his thin blue baby blanket, the other around his ragged stuffed dragon who’s wings are starting to fall off from age and abuse-by-child.

“Merlin, what’s wrong?” He sometimes forgets that Merlin’s ten years old and not the small four year old that arrived at their foster home scared and crying for his mother and father. He’s thin and pale with big blue eyes and dark curling locks and he’s swamped in the old t-shirt used as his pajamas. “Did you have another nightmare?”

He nods, chin quivering and bright blue eyes wet. Arthur scoots over; raising the blankets and sheet up, nodding at the space he’s vacated. “Come on,” he says and Merlin hurls himself under the blankets, small body trembling against Arthur. “It is all right, I’m here.” Slowly, Merlin stops shaking and his breathes even out and he’s out like a light, pressed up along Arthur’s side, dragon in one hand and blanket in the other.

Sighing, Arthur turns over, tucking the blankets around Merlin before wrapping an arm around his smaller frame, holding him close. Hopefully, he’ll be enough to keep the dreams of screaming metal and fire away. Merlin just sighs and snuggles closer and Arthur falls asleep to the sound of his soft breathing and feels content.

~*~

A month later, word arrives. After six years of searching, a parent has been found to adopt Merlin. He will not look it, but the moment he hears those words, Arthur stops breathing, just for a second.

Then he starts again and then Merlin’s there all smiles and tears because he does not want to leave Arthur, but Arthur’s sixteen, almost an adult. He’ll be graduating sooner than it seems and who wants to adopt a child that will be leaving once they are old enough to strike out on their own.

So he forces a smile on his face, tells Merlin that he’s happy for him, that Merlin is lucky to have found someone who wants him. And Gaius does want Merlin, the old doctor smiling fondly down at the ball of energy and too big ears. Inside though, it hurts, because Merlin was his, he looked after him when he woke up crying for parents he barely remembers, when he broke his arm falling off the swing set, when he went to his first day of school, when he got his first crush and first heart break on the same day…it goes on and on and it is selfish, but he does not want to let Merlin go but he must because this is the opportunity Merlin needs to get out in the world, to get out from under the shadow of the stigma of being an orphan.

He helps Merlin pack his things, loads them in Gaius’s car. He hugs Merlin tight, whispering that he’ll never forget Merlin and that he’ll keep in contact and call and send letters and Merlin’s crying and he maybe crying as well, just a little, and then Merlin’s gone and Arthur’s waving as long as he can until the car is gone from sight but not from mind. In his pocket, it feels like Gaius’s address and phone number burns a hole in his pocket.

And on his bed, an old battered dragon rests on his pillow, wings sagging and about to fall off, but the golden thread for its eyes still shines brightly in the sunlight that streams through his window and it seems to stare knowingly back at him. That night he sleeps with it tucked under his arm and can still smell Merlin.

~*~

His alarm shirks loudly and he blinks blearily at it, _6 am._ An ungodly hour to get up at, but he’s got to get to the first class of the day in two hours and it’ll take him at least twenty minutes to get through the line at the café he gets his coffee at so he drags himself out of bed and into the shower. A ragged wing pokes out from underneath his bed. He does not even glance at it.

Arthur sighs in annoyance as he sits at his table and Gwaine comes barreling up, eyes red-rimmed and smelling like stale beer. He must not have made it home last night. He orders two coffees, one straight black that he chugs without letting it cool, the other loaded with creamer and sugar. He sips this one, letting the sugar and creamer work through his system to give him a sugar high. It’ll last him through their first class.

They leave and met up with Elyan and Percival, dorm mates and an item for a year now. It had been a surprise to no one but them, but everyone had seen the two dancing around each other. Everyone’s just glad it is over and they do not have to gag from the eye sex the two kept having from a distance.

There had been a pool on the date they would just put each other out of their misery. Arthur won that one, but he may have had some help from Gwen, Elyan’s sister, but it is only a rumor and he’s not saying anything. Still, half the earnings go to her.

For half the class, he takes notes like the good student he is and then sleeps through the rest as the professor plays a film. He’s seen it like five times by now, a favorite, but not enough of a favorite to skip on some deserved sleep. Elyan nudges him awake as the class ends and they are all leaving and it is chaos out in the halls as people jostle each other trying to reach their next class.

He’s done until the afternoon. So he hangs out in the sunshine, talking with Elyan and Percival and Gwaine, and Gwen and Morgana while they are between classes and then Leon’s there and they have lunch and he’s still got two hours before his next class.

Deciding he needs a distraction, he heads off to the library, hoping the internet will keep him busy enough to pass the time and he’s not paying attention to where he’s walking so it is no surprise when he runs into someone and they fall to the ground with an “oomph.”

Shaking himself, Arthur stands and offers a hand, apologizing for not looking where he was going but no hand is offered back and he looks down and all he can see are bright, bright blue eyes in a pale face and curling black locks and he can only stare and stare at the person on the ground looking up at him with what must be an identical look of shock on his face and Arthur’s voice cracks on the one word he can get out, “Merlin.”

And then Merlin’s up and crowding his space, but he does not mind, because it is Merlin, his Merlin, and then there’s hugging and frantic talking and grins and smiles and maybe a little wetness to the eyes but it is overlooked because the sun is really bright out and that’s the reason their eyes are watering.

They end up at the café from this morning and Arthur skips his class entirely, too busy catching up with Merlin, too busy with just pure incredulousness to even think of concentrating on class. Merlin’s the same as ever and yet he not. He’s grown, how he’s grown, just a little taller than Arthur, but he’s still got the thinness down pat and he’s not all awkward angles like he was as a child. He’s grown into himself and Arthur realizes with a pang that he was not there to see it for himself.

And then Merlin’s angry at him. Arthur promised to keep in contact, to call and write letters, but after the first letter and phone call, he stopped, it hurt too much to think of Merlin so far away and not able to see him. And Merlin had been crushed to lose Arthur, but he had gotten over it, over the loss, over the fact that Arthur left him alone just like his parents had and Arthur wants to drag Merlin close, tell him he never wanted to leave, that he always remembered him, but he cannot, frozen to the spot.

Then the moments broken as Gwaine comes barreling in again, demanding to know why Arthur was not in class. Then Elyan and Percival are there, both looking concerned about Arthur until he explains why he was not there and greetings are exchanged and Merlin seems to turn shy a little bit and Arthur cannot help but smile as he remembers Merlin doing just this as a child meeting a new prospective adoptive parent.

Then Merlin has to go, says he’s got class and he gives Arthur a look as if to say _“At least I don’t skip my classes”,_ but he smiles at Arthur and Arthur forgives him everything in that instant. They exchange numbers quickly and Arthur promises to call and text and hang out and he means it this time. He’ll keep his promise if it is the last thing he does.

Merlin’s gone and Arthur’s on cloud nine and the others smile in varying shades of amused at his far off looks and dopey smiles, but he’s happy. He leaves them all to head back to his apartment and toeing off his shoes, he heads straight to his room. Bending down, he pulls a ragged looking dragon out from under his bed and its eyes gleam knowingly in the lamp light. That night, he sleeps with it tucked under his arm for the first time in years.

In the morning, he finds a text on his phone _I’ve missed you._

~*~

Over the next two weeks, texts and calls are exchanged, they meet up for lunch at least every other day and Arthur still cannot get over the fact that he’s got Merlin back, his Merlin, and it seems like a dream that will come crashing down and he draws himself up because wait, he cannot keep calling Merlin _his_ because Merlin has not been his for eight years now.

He does not know this new Merlin, was not there for the shaping and he’s still learning the shape and feel of him, all his new quirks and jokes, but underneath there is the base Arthur built, the base material used that only he truly knows and that much he can admit to. Merlin’s a freshman in college now, graduated a year early. He’s going into the medical field because Gaius taught him everything he could and Merlin feels the need to carry on the older man’s legacy.

It takes little prodding to bring up stories about his life after Arthur. He talks about Will, his best mate, and Freya his first kiss and now just friend. Something clenches inside a little at this but he ignores it, pushes it away to pay attention to his words.

At night and throughout the day, they exchange texts.

 _My roommate snores. ~M_

 _Then push him onto his side. ~A_

 _Why does milk cost so much? It is not like we’re lacking in cows or something? ~A_

 _Did you know you have a cow lick on the back of your head? ~M_

 _Had another nightmare ~M_

 _Want to talk about it? ~A_

 _…no ~M_

~*~

By the end of the semester, it seems they are as close as they had been. Merlin has gone from his long ago friend/brother to his current friend. He’s become friends with Arthur’s friends and Arthur seems to be somewhat accepted by Merlin’s friends. For the most part, they ignore the fact that eight years are missing of them from each other’s lives.

But it still nags at them or at Arthur at least. He is not sure about Merlin. It is not the only thing burning in his mind. Merlin does not seem to notice it, but he draws attention. Arthur looks on with a pseudo-brother’s indulgent eye for his wayward pseudo-sibling, but inside something stirs restlessly.

Something claws edgily inside, demanding Arthur take notice. Arthur ruthlessly shoves it away, cages the beast away. Merlin is not his to command or control. He felt for Merlin like a brother and nothing more. If Merlin has admirers, then it is good for him.

Except, eventually he does notice, but still he keeps his distance, unsure of how he should react. And Arthur and the rest of them poke and prod him until he accepts the invite for lunch from one of the girls bold enough to ask him out.

That night when Arthur asks him how it went, Merlin’s reply comes back slower than he expects.

 _It was all right, not what I expected, but good. Don’t think I’ll go with her again though, all she could keep talking about was you and if you were available and if I could hook you up. ~M_

Arthur can hear the wry amusement in his voice even though Merlin is not speaking.

 _Sorry about that ~A_

 _It is all right, was not really serious about it to begin with ~M_

The fact that he felt relief that Merlin does not want to see the girl again is ignored.

 _Better luck next time ~A_

The fact that those words tasted like ash in his mouth does not need to be mentioned.

~*~

Life goes on. Lancelot comes into the picture and sweeps Gwen off her feet. Morgana and Leon eventually hook up, after circling each other like wild animals eyeing their opponent up. Gwaine settles down some, stops doing the all-nighter parties, and sees someone on and off named Elena. Elyan and Percival are still together and disgustingly domestic.

Life’s going good until Merlin meets Cenred. The man is the definition of tall, dark and handsome and Merlin never stood a chance against his charm and smile. They start going steady and Merlin’s all smiles, but the smiles are more and more frequently for Cenred and not him and Arthur’s the one who feels left behind.

The fact that he cannot keep the images of Cenred with his hands on Merlin from his mind are not helping and when he tries to imagine someone else, all he can come up with are his own hands on Merlin and he just shies away from that. He starts to draw away, becoming distant. He starts ignoring Merlin’s calls and texts, give excuses about not being able to meet him to hang out. Each time he does, Merlin looks on with a wounded look in his eyes and Arthur feels guilt like a heavy ball of lead in his stomach.

 _Did something happen? ~M_

 _Why are not you talking with me? ~M_

 _Is it something to do with school? ~M_

 _Are you mad at someone? ~M_

 _Is it me? ~M_

 _Do you hate me? ~M_

 _…no ~A_

~*~

Arthur berates himself for being such an idiot. Merlin did not deserve that kind of treatment. He starts answering the calls, sends texts back, stops giving excuses and starts showing up. Eventually things go back to how they were, but Arthur cannot get rid of the churning feelings inside.

A month later, things come crashing down again. Merlin calls him around midnight, in tears, voice hitching, asking if Arthur can come pick him up. It is raining outside and Merlin is soaked when he finds him, sitting on the curb. His eyes are red and a bruise is spreading sickly green and purple over his cheek.

Arthur wants to kill Cenred. Instead, he drives Merlin back to his apartment. Gets him into a shower to warm up and finds clothes for him to change into. Merlin’s moving as if at any moment, he’ll crack and break and Arthur’s afraid that if he touches him, he will.

But then Merlin’s in his arms and crying and Arthur holds him close, lets him scream and vent his anger and pain. And then Merlin pulls back and for a breathless moment Arthur can only stare and then Merlin’s kissing him, tears streaming down his face and he’s still holding onto Arthur like he’s his last hope.

Arthur pulls himself together and pulls Merlin off, “No.” Merlin should not be doing this, he’s just replacing Cenred with him and Arthur does not think he could take that. Merlin apologizes over and over, blushing and then the room is quiet and Arthur’s giving up his bed to Merlin. The couch looks unattractive, but it is better than the floor.

Merlin’s in his room and then there’s and exclamation and Merlin comes out holding the dragon. “I did not know you kept this.” His eyes are big, and a little wet, but he’s smiling that smile that’s just Arthur’s and he’s already forgiven Merlin. “I kept it to remember you.”

Merlin stands in the doorway between the main room and the bedroom in borrowed boxers and a large baggy t-shirt and asks if Arthur will stay with him, like they used to when Merlin was a child and woke from nightmares. It is a bad idea, he knows it, but Arthur nods. They climb into the bed, pressed close and Merlin presses even closer, clutching the ragged looking dragon to his chest in one hand and clutches Arthur’s shirt in the other.

Arthur falls asleep to Merlin’s even breathing, his scent surrounding him and he’s happy.

~*~

They don’t talk about the kiss. Merlin breaks up with Cenred and if Cenred comes to class with a few bruises courtesy of Gwaine, Leon, Percival, and Elyan, then no one says anything. Arthur wants to add his own bruises to the man’s body, but figures Merlin would send him disapproving looks and messages and so he resists and settles for glares and a threatening talk.

Merlin gets over it and the bruise fades away. He does not really see anyone else, but does go on a few lunch dates at their insistence, just to help him get over it. He indulges them. And the whole time, all Arthur can remember is the feel of Merlin’s lips against his and the feel Merlin in his arms.

It is not helping that Merlin keeps sending him these looks, a slight tilt to his head and searching eyes. If Merlin finds what he’s looking for, Arthur never really finds out. Things go on and another semester flies by. Things get hectic with exams and they are too busy studying to even contemplate food let alone feelings.

By the time classes end, Arthur’s feeling the drain of too many tests, too little sleep and too much to think about with too much time on his hands after the tests are over. He can feel Merlin’s gaze boring into his back each time he leaves for his apartment and he ignores it as best he can or pretends to anyway.

Then one night, when he’s contemplating whether he should get up and scrounge for food in his fridge or just order takeout, there’s a knock at the door. Merlin’s there, grinning, when he opens it and holds up a box of pizza and a bottle of wine. Arthur thinks it is love at first sight if Merlin knows him this well.

They’ve eaten all the pizza and are already halfway through the bottle before Arthur thinks it might have been a bad idea to get drunk around Merlin. Well not drunk, more like pleasantly buzzed, but still, he’s letting his guard down.

And apparently he’s right, or he’s drunker then he thought, or Merlin’s not as drunk as he looked, because Merlin’s kissing him and he cannot pull away this time, can only press back, press Merlin into the couch cushions.

Then he’s pulling away and falls off the couch and he’s horrified at his lack of control. Merlin’s like a brother to him, his best friend, and he should not be doing this with him and…and…

Merlin’s in front of him, kneeling in front of him and he’s talking, says over and over that it is all right. “You are like a brother to me, Merlin.”

“Arthur, it is been eight years and I’m not that little kid anymore. I want this, you want this, it is all right…” and then Merlin’s back in his space and Arthur just cannot take this anymore, cannot pull away anymore and then their kissing and Merlin’s pressed into the floor this time, arching up into him, making these sounds that just go straight to his cock.

Somehow they make it to bed, and it is a race to get clothing off, to get as close as they can, skin sliding against skin, mouths slotted together and their rutting against each other’s leg, and it is frantic and fast, but not enough, not nearly enough, and this is not a one-time thing, cannot be. They crave each other and will settle for nothing less than forever.

They curl up together, sated and sweaty, the blankets wrapped around their legs. Arthur hums contentedly, running a gentle hand through Merlin’s hair as Merlin presses into his side, presses a kiss to his collarbone. Arthur falls asleep to Merlin’s soft breathing and scent all around him and dreams of forever.

On the ground, the ragged looking dragon stares up with unblinking golden eyes and feels content. The two halves of the coin are together as they should be and its job is done. Its eyes gleam golden in the moonlight as it watches over its humans.

 **End.**

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up until 1 in the morning writing this, so tired, but I had to get it out. Also, it is only beta’d by me, so there might be some things wrong with it, but like I said it was late when I wrote this, so if there is anything wrong, feel free to speak up.


End file.
